ATC Funnies

In training on the Sim back in the 60s as a cadet someone who is now a very senior controller, was overheard to say "GABCD Have you just turned left on to a right hand heading?"

The scene:
Many moons ago in Germany, sat in Ground with the sky full of Harriers - Tower controller screening VERY attractive female U/T . SATCO (who liked to think himself a bit of a ladies man) walks in, makes a big play of sniffing the air and states "that smells nice, what have you got on?" IMMEDIATE response from Tower controller "well I've got a hard on - but I didn't know you could smell it! " Cue me on floor and SATCO departing very red-faced.

PILOT: Arrivals, ABC123, what is our position in the sequence ?
ATC: Aaah lets see, ABC123, I have you pencilled in at number 2, but I do have vacancies at numbers 5 & 7.

'...XXX123 is on the 180 radial, no the 185, er...the 175, at eerrmm...20, no it's 22 miles on the ...' (CLUNK) '...OUCH'.
(Instructor got fed up and smacked him round the back of the head.)

Shorts 360, with female pilot handling the radio on short final with other fixed wing traffic close behind. Helicopter holding on base leg.
Helicopter instructed "(callsign), you are number two following a shorts 360, short final. Keep the circuit tight due further traffic on 4 mile final"
Helicopter reply "roger, when the lady has got her shorts down, I'll quickly slip my chopper in behind".

Another favorite was when center was handing out re-routes to all Chicago bound traffic due to storms over the entire mid-western portion of the US.
"United 462, Memphis Center, I've got a re-route for you too sir, advise when ready to copy."
"Yes ma'am, United 462, any chance of direct XXXX?"
"United 462, are you ah, RNAV equipped?" (sounding hopeful)
"No ma,am, but we are radar vector equipped!"

Heard on 126.65 just prior to an incident occurring.....
"Speedbird 123..can we route direct DCS?.............
ATCO........"Speedbird 123 can you ask me an easier one...preferably one on sport????????"
Looked good in the transcript!!!!!!!!

"DLHxxx (Lufthansa) What is your requested level today"....
short pause....
"Ve Vill Ask de qvestions"

Tornado suffers bird-strike on landing.
Pilot "I think I suffered a bird-strike. Did you see where it hit?"
Controller "Just below the beak but I think its alright."

Aircraft inbound to LHR, where holding has just been announced: "If we slow down now, will we lose our place?"
LATCC: "You certainly won't, because you're last!"

BA a/c: "I say London, a Caledonian 1-11's just shot under my nose."
London: "Thanks very much, I was looking for him."

Omaha Approach: "Southwest 405, expedite your descent though 3,000. Traffic at one o'clock and seven miles; a Citabria northeast-bound at 3,500."
SW 405: "Roger, expediting through 3,000. Is the Citabria doing aerobatics?"
Omaha Approach: "No, but he will be if you don't expedite below 3,000."

Willard Airport, at Champaign, Ill., while being nowhere near anything, still manages to get hectic at times thanks to the numerous training aircraft from the University of Illinois and the trainees in the tower. On one particularly nice day, the pattern was hopping with numerous aircraft when this gem was heard:
Tower: "Archer 46R, right 360 for spacing."
46R: "Ummm, unable."
Tower: "46R, you're unable to do a 360?"
46R: "Affirmative; student solo."
Tower: "Can you do a turn around a point?"
46R: "Affirmative."
Tower: "Okay, see that parking lot? Do turns around a point until I say to stop!"

Denver: "Learjet 5234J ... for a vector to Hector, contact the sector director...."

A very low-time student was on an early area solo out from Camden Airport, just south of Sydney. Returning to the airfield, the student was obviously a little confused as to how to join the circuit and began circling the airfield at about 2,000 feet.
A very nervous voice was then heard on the radio: "Camden Tower, this is Tomahawk ABC, request instructions for descent."
Very quickly came ATC's response: "ABC, push the nose down."

One day a few years ago, a very busy Fort Worth Center controller kept calling a particular aircraft repeatedly, only to end his transmission with, "...Cessna 123, disregard." Some of his instructions were quite complicated, but he still ended with the same directive.
After minutes of busy, almost frantic transmissions between the controller and his charges, a lull in the action finally occurred. After a moment, the controller finally said, "Cessna 123, what are you doing right now?"
The obvious reply came right back: "Cessna 123 is disregarding."
The not-so-obvious response? "Roger, Cessna 123. Continue."

Heard on the frequency while en route in the northeast U.S.:
XYZ airline: "Center, say again that heading?"
Center: "I need you on your present heading!!"
XYZ airline: "Roger, I am on my present heading."

A few years ago, when Sabena, the Belgian airline, was still landing in Libreville, Gabon, a flight left in very rough weather toward Kinshasa, Zaire, in west-central Africa. The following conversation was overheard:
"Sabena 123, maintain contact with Brazzaville."
"Control, I can't even maintain contact with my own seat."

We were flying over Madison, Wis., on a nice Sunday headed for lunch and in contact with the exceptionally great people at the Madison TRACON. All of a sudden we heard a voice over the frequency:
"Ah, Madison, this is Cessna 12345 ... lost."
The cheerful controller came back and asked if the pilot could enter a squawk code; she could and did. The controller then asked her destination, to which she responded, "Madison."
A few moments later, the controller came back: "Okay, 12345; you're not lost ... you just haven't found the airport yet."

A controller trainee (a.k.a., developmental) was heard to say while training on ground control:
"Cessna 12345, are you the Cessna behind the Cessna in front of you?"

A light twin had just landed on Runway 29. Missing the last turnoff onto Taxiway Delta, its pilot started to turn left onto Golf when the controller spoke up:
Tower: "N1234, that taxiway is approved for single-engine use only."
N1234: "That's okay, I'll just shut down one engine."

Center: "Delta XXX, say your Mach speed for in-trail spacing."
Delta XXX: "Center, oh, we're really hauling ass."
Center: "I don't care what kind of cargo you're carrying, I just want to know how fast you're going."

I have a Helio Courier, an STOL airplane that can fly at very low airspeeds. On approach to my home airport, I was flying slowly down the 5,000-foot runway to the end where my hangar is. With a stiff headwind, I probably had a groundspeed below 15 knots.
Finally, an exasperated tower controller said, "Helio Courier on 24 Left, could you please just land and taxi to your hangar? It'd be quicker...."

Cessna XXXX: "Tower, every time I turn crosswind, I have trouble receiving you. No matter which runway I'm on I get the same thing. Have you any idea or suggestion what I might do to improve the situation?"
Tower: "I'll check with the tower chief." (Delay)
Tower: "Cessna XXXX, the tower chief suggests you not turn crosswind."

The local weather was 1,700 feet broken-to-overcast with eight miles visibility underneath, an improvement from the 800 overcast that had prevailed most of the morning. As I motored along above the clouds I heard the following:
Cessna XXX: "Approach, this is Cessna XXX, we need some help getting down."
Approach: "Can you fly IFR?"
Cessna XXX: "Nope."
Approach: "Are you VFR right now?"
Cessna XXX: "Nope."
Protracted silence.
Approach: "Can you hold a heading and altitude?"
Cessna XXX: "No problemo."
Approach: "Stay on your current heading and altitude until you reach VFR conditions."
Cessna XXX: "Roger."
Approach: "When you get to VFR, let's talk."
Cessna XXX: "About what?"
Approach: "I am sure we can think of something."

Heard at the Gwinnett County (Ga.) - Briscoe Field Airport (LZU), a couple of years ago:
Tower: "Cessna 123, you have your traffic on final yet?"
Cessna 123: "Ugh, still looking."
Tower: "He's on short final, kind of high, still trying to shovel some air out from under his wings."

Last Friday I had the pleasure of taking a co-worker for a ride in a Cessna 152 after a very long workweek. She had never flown in a general aviation aircraft before, was curious about everything, and made some interesting observations that those of us who are around light planes regularly don't think about any more. I made my way through the preflight inspection, called "Clear!" and the engine growled to life.
"Sounds like a lawn mower," my companion observed.
She obviously mistook my look of interest in her perspective as one of being insulted.
"Well, a big one," she said.

I overheard the following at National Airport last month, while all departing aircraft (including mine) were being held on the ground:
Tower: "United XXX, can you execute a hard right turn without encroaching upon the runway?"
United XXX: "Negative." (brief pause...) "I could if my engines were running."

My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"
Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

While trying to work touch-and-goes with a student in the traffic pattern at Daggett Airport, we were acutely aware of a pair of regional airline Fokker jets practicing the VOR approach to an intersecting runway. Each time they executed a missed approach, but we would hold short just in case they landed.
Finally, I keyed the mic and asked them if they were ever going to land.
Their curt response: "Negative, the company said they don't mind buying the gas, but we have to buy our own tires."

Heard on the frequency while going into Newark, N.J. (EWR) a while back:
Big jet: "Left to 120, and if it helps we've got the field."
NY TRACON: "Roger. Let me know when you get the other 12 guys ahead of you in sight."

"We have your request..."
Airline captain to clearance delivery: "xxx1184 to BOS, and we're a DC9 today."
Clearance delivery: "Roger cleared to BOS via ... and we'll change the B737 to a DC9."
Unidentified pilot: "Clearance, while you're at it, could you change this PA28 to a Learjet?"

This (reportedly) really happened at a non-towered airport in Northern California. The pilot of a Cessna 180 on amphibious floats, en route from Kentucky to Alaska, called for an airport advisory, and the Unicom operator issued the following:
"Wind calm. No reported traffic. Use runway 32 or 14, your choice."
The 180 pilot replied, "Which runway is longer?"

I'm a flight instructor, and was teaching a brand new student how to taxi the airplane. On initial call-up, I said, "Ground, Nxxx with ATIS, ready to taxi to active, will be doing taxi practice."
The controller suggested we taxi all the way down to the inactive area, but that was more than we wanted, so I said, "No thanks, we're ready to taxi to the active ... I just wanted to warn you that we may be slow and crooked."
ATC's comeback: "Well, why don't you just let the student taxi?"

A wife reports that her husband, an airline pilot, often has difficulty locating items around the house. One day he asked where the salt was. Annoyed, the wife responded, "How on earth can you find Detroit at night in a blizzard, but you can't find the salt in your own kitchen?"
"Well, darling," he replied, "they don't move Detroit."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the F/A, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Controller to transitioning aircraft: "Do you have Miami's altimeter?"
Student pilot (after long pause): "No sir, this one belongs to the flight school where I rented the plane."

Recently overheard on Fargo (N.D.) Approach Control frequency:
"Cessna One Alpha Bravo, you have unidentified traffic at 2 o'clock, three miles, altitude unknown, over the railroad tracks. Very slow moving primary target, might be a helicopter."
(Long pause.)
"Might be a train."

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:
Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?
Cobra: I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!

N123: "Youngstown Approach, Cessna 123 off Elser, request two practice ILS approaches, followed by the published missed to the VOR to hold, a VOR approach, two NDB approaches, and an ASR approach."
Approach: "Cessna 123 squawk 4753, and would you like fries with that, sir?"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
"When I was number one for takeoff," replied the student.

The student pilot was midway through the oral portion of his Private practical test. After reviewing his pre-flight planning, the examiner pointed out that the Weight & Balance figures showed that the airplane would be 50 pounds over max gross. "What can you do about that?" asked the examiner.
"First, I would have my passengers take off their clothes," suggested the applicant. "If that were not enough, I'd drain a gallon of oil from the engine. Finally, I'd remove 12 pounds of air from each tire..."

Pilot: Request a flight level between FL210 and FL250
ATC: Roger, you can have either 230 or 250...which would you like?
Pilot: Affirmative.
ATC: Affirmative what?
Pilot: Affirmative...SIR?

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday:
"Lost aircraft, say position."

Controller pointing out floatplane traffic to an IFR aircraft: "Traffic at your two o'clock is a phone on plates."

His aircraft badly bashed by tall corn, the pilot was doing his best to explain to the FAA guy why there was no fuel in the tanks. Suddenly his tale was interrupted with a crucial question.
"This really wasn't the field I picked out," he said. "I realized I was too high to make the first one so I had to take this one. I was on short final when it hit me. I didn't know whether to land WITH the corn rows or AGAINST the corn rows. What is the standard corn field landing procedure?"
Without batting an eye the inspector replied, "The standard corn field landing procedure is to buy gas at the airport."
The pilot stood there blinking for several seconds, before he answered.
"Oh."

During a cross country flight, a new private pilot began looking for an airport where he could refuel. As his fuel condition worsened, he added gas stations with suitable landing areas to his search list, and he finally spotted a gas station, right alongside a straight highway with remarkably few obstacles.
As he taxied up to the pumps, old man in the rocking chair near the doorway seemed totally unaffected by the sight, and the young pilot finally had to ask: "I don't suppose you get many airplanes here at your station, do you?"
"Naw," the old man said, gazing idly into the distance while he pumped. "I reckon most of 'em gas up over yonder," he continued, pointing, "at th' airport across th' highway."

Cessna 1234: ...15 miles from VORTAC. Request a VOR Runway 14 approach, circle to land, full stop.
Approach: Cessna 1234, say your indicated airspeed.
Cessna 1234: Our ground speed is 59 knots. Is that going to be a problem?
Approach: No problem. We're open 24 hours.

Tampa Approach: CAP Flight XXX, you have traffic at your six o'clock position, 1 mile, same altitude.
CAP Flight XXX: Roger, Tampa, we don't have rear-view mirrors installed, so please keep us informed.

Cessna 12345: Atlantic City approach, this is Cessna 12345 with you out of eight thousand seven hundred for seven thousand assigned. Tell me Atlantic City, why are we descending?
Atlantic City Approach: Well, it's just something you've got to do ... when you're going to land.

I was flying my first "Bay Tour" in the San Francisco Bay area and didn't yet know many of the landmarks. As I continued up the coastline I was handed over to SFO, who announced, "Cessna xxxxx, turn left to 300 and report Shoreline." I promptly reported that I was "unable." That course would not take me over the Shoreline Amphitheatre -- the landmark was retreating behind me.
Regardless, the controller stated that it was at my 12:00, and "please report Shoreline." After going back and forth few times, the controller said, a bit exasperatedly, "It's the long thing with sand."

Instructor on ground with handheld radio to first-time solo student: "Cessna 1234. Make sure you keep your turns shallow and watch your airspeed. Copy?"
<silence>
Instructor: "Cessna 1234, Tom, you ok up there?"
<silence>
Instructor: "Cessna 1234, um, Tom, you've got to key the mike. I can't hear it when you nod."

BA: "Shannon, what's the weather like this morning?"
Shannon: "Ah, it's a lovely day. If the earth was flat you could see right round it."

BA: "Bangbird, this is Speedcock....."

A JAL DC8 inbound to EGLL having great difficulty navigating to beacons and VOR'S eventually gives up and asks for radar steers to BOV. Unknown American accent chips in with "How the hell did they ever find Pearl Harbour"?

ATC. "A/C XXX, slow down 250"
Pilot. "Slow down 250 XXX and ,eh, what made you slow us down?"
Arr. "You did."

GMC: Taxi stand xy
Pilot: Taxi stand xy. Any route?
GMC: Just stay off the grass...

"Preston this is Cambrian 123 is FL80 available?"
"Cambrian 123, Preston, Affirmative climb to FL80"
"Negative Preston, we don't want FL80, just wanted to know if it was available!"

LGW Twr: "Jetset ***, Tower"
Jetset FO: "Go ahead"
LGW: "What's the wind like up there?"
Jetset FO: "Just fine thanks"

Some years ago while an F/O on F28s at PX we were operating on a QF flight number ex CNS for POM. Our Fokker was 'parked in' so we needed a push back and this caused a short delay.
After departure call to QF CNS went something like this;
Me "Qantas Cairns QF 123"
QF CNS "QF 123 go ahead"
Me "Cairns QF 123 off blocks xyz, 5 minutes late due Captain requiring a tug before taxi!"
Captain looks dumbfounded as QF Cairns tries to keep a straight 'voice'...unsuccessfully!

Overheard on approach to San Jose, California (KSJC):
TOWER: American 332, cleared for takeoff.
AMERICAN 332: We already did that.
TOWER: Uh, American 332, contact Bay Departure.

Pilot: "How far behind traffic are we?"
ATC: "Three miles."
Pilot: "That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
ATC: "You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you ... that's three miles."

A few years ago a BA 757 is taxying out at ABZ to head off to LHR. Male Capt and a Female F/O who was doing the R/T.
ATC: Speedbird XXX, your clearance?
BA 757: Standby (The transmission was rather garbled, since the F/O was eating some peanuts!)
Then after a short pause the F/O asks for the clearance.
BA 757: Speedbird XXX, go ahead with the clearance.... Sorry about that I had the Captain's Nuts in my mouth!

Cockpit: "The first officer says he's got the runway in sight."
ATC: "Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27Right ... you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."

Rather snooty capt: "Good morning tower BirdseedXXX requesting the information"
ATC: "Good morning BirdseedXXX, surface wind light and variable, Runway in use is 23, temperature +15, dew point +5, QNH 1016.
Rather snooty capt: "Can you be a bit more specific about the wind tower?"
ATC: "Certainly, 270 to 090, 1 knot gusting 2"!

ATC: "CDE, is this a touch and go or a full stop?"
CDE: "A full stop, Tower."
ATC: "Roger, go round!"

Radar controller in a sticky situation: two a/c, parallel vectored but on the wrong sides. No chance of a vertical solution or a 'make a 360' solution due to traffic behind.
ATC: a/c 1, do you see the a/c on your right?
a/c1: Affirm
ATC: a/c 2, do you see the a/c on your left?
a/c2: Affirm
ATC: you guys able to maintain VFR for the next 1 min?
a/c1: Affirm
a/c2: Affirm
ATC: OK, now swap!

Over Germany:
Aircraft: " Rhein Goodmorning, abc123, out of 190 for 230, looking for 270."
Rhein ctl:" Goodmorning abc123, It should be somewhere between 26 and 280."

On a flight near Madison, Wis., a pilot overheard this exchange on the frequency:
Madison Approach: "Cessna 1234, are you direct to Madison?"
Cessna 1234: "We're trying."
Madison Approach: "Cessna 1234, turn right 20 degrees and try harder."